


(un)requited love

by VanillaKiss



Category: BTOB
Genre: M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Regret, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 13:37:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17767778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaKiss/pseuds/VanillaKiss
Summary: Sometimes people need to experience unrequited love.





	(un)requited love

**Author's Note:**

> for day2 of iljaeweekfebruary19

It happened on a sunny day, two years ago. Ilhoon was waiting for the bus after work when an old woman sat down next to him. He doesn’t really remember how did it happen. They started talking, and somehow they ended up talking about regrets.

“There was this someone I loved.”

“Loved?” The woman said with a knowing smile. 

“I still love him.” 

The woman laughed, “And what happened? That someone doesn’t love you back?”

“He doesn’t, I mean, I don’t know, maybe he does? It’s complicated.”

“Oh, really? Why don’t you try and talk to him?”

“He has someone. Or not? I don’t know. I haven’t met him for months.” Ilhoon looked up at the sky. “We had an argument. It was ugly. And we just stopped talking after that.”

“So is this your regret? Not trying to apologize?”

Ilhoon shook his head. “I should have told him I love him. I should have tried to show him what he meant to me before it was too late.” He took a deep breath. “He loved me. I a few years ago.”

“And what happened?”

“I didn’t love him back. He wasn’t more than just a friend. But thinking back, I think I lied to myself. I liked him, I think. Not from the start, but slowly, I fell in love with him. He used to be so clingy when we were younger, you know? He was so persistent. He… He was always there, trying to make me smile if I had bad days, spending his free time in my apartment. He was so good to me. He really cared about me. And I didn’t notice it first. But then we had a party with some friends. And we drank, not too much but it was enough to make us braver.” Ilhoon sighed. “We played truth or dare. And when it was my turn, I had to kiss someone’s cheeks. I’ve always tried to keep a certain distance from everyone and they always complained because of this. So they thought it would be funny. But they didn’t know what they started with this.” Ilhoon closed his eyes, heart heavy. “I could choose. They told me it could be anyone I would be okay with. And I-” He took a deep breath. 

“You chose him.” The old woman smiled. “Because he was always with you. You were comfortable around him. Comfortable enough to give him a kiss.” She patted his hand. “So was it when you realized you loved him?”

“No, it just made me realize that he didn’t see me as a friend.” Ilhoon opened his eyes and looked down. “I went to him, leaned closer to his face, everyone was laughing and shouting. And he suddenly turned to me and he kissed me. I was shocked. At first I was like he did it because it was funny and everyone loved it. But a few days later, I started noticing the signs. They were always there. They were subtle but if you paid attention, you could clearly see them."

“And what did you do? Did you tell him you didn’t want more?”

“No, I never did that. I tried to keep a greater distance but of course it didn’t work. I just couldn’t do it. I was so used to his presence in my life. But still, I didn’t love him the same way he did. Or I just didn’t want to admit it. I let him do what he always did before my discovery. But I was more careful. I didn’t want him to think he might have a chance. I was afraid I would hurt him if I reject him directly. But as time has passed, I was more and more careful. It started with small things like I didn’t let him sleep in my bed when he came over.” The old woman raised her eyebrows and opened his mouth to say something but Ilhoon stopped him. “My apartment is small, you know? And he was a good company. We never crossed any lines. And it didn’t happen that much. I didn’t let him hug me or hold my hands after that.”

“I’m sorry, but what was your relationship again? I’m confused.” The old woman frowned.

“I know, I’m confused too. But I don’t know, it just felt natural? I fucked up, I know. We did all of these things and never noticed what these things meant to him.”

“And you just let your relationship go cold. But you were friends, right?”

“Yes, we were.”

“You should have rejected him.”

“I know. But I was afraid of losing him.”

“But you did lose him. Even without rejecting him. He would've understood it.”

“I know.”

“When did you realize it?”

“Maybe a year after that game. I started missing him. I wanted it back. I wanted back everything we had.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because he started seeing someone. He was our friend. The more I tried to push him away from me, the closer they got. And they started dating.”

“Because you’re an idiot.” The woman shook his head in disbelief. 

“I know.” Ilhoon let out a forced laugh. “One night, when he was in my apartment, we were watching a movie. That was when he told me.”

“He told you what?”

“I liked you, Ilhoon hyung, you know? I was in love with you. You probably never noticed it. But it’s okay now. I don’t feel that love anymore. I finally found someone. And please don’t hate yourself because of it or think that you’re the worst friend because you’re my best friend. Even if I hated being only a friend. It was a good experience. Sometimes people need to experience unrequited love. It can bring you many nice things, it’s not necessarily sad. And if years later or when I’m very very old, I’ll think of it as something beautiful I could experience thanks to you.”

“Well, that’s sad. He really loved you.”

Ilhoon nodded. “I know. I was an idiot. But it’s too late now.”

They didn’t talk much after that. When Ilhoon’s bus arrived, they said goodbye.

 

And now, two years later, when Ilhoon thinks back to those times, he can understand what Sungjae meant by that. It was nice, loving someone even if they didn't love you back. He still feels regret. He doesn’t feel the same love he did but losing him still hurts. He hasn’t met Sungjae since that argument. And maybe it’s better like this.

It’s the same with Sungjae. He sometimes misses those years and wishes Ilhoon would have reciprocated his feelings. Maybe things would be better. He wouldn't live with a man he can never love as much as he would deserve it. 

But maybe, on a better day, when things are calmer, they’ll meet again and if that love is still there, they can finally tell how they really feel.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: 6vanillakiss


End file.
